Modern (Non) Guilt

During this blog, I may be writing about my regrets and lost loves but there have been moments in my life when I was okay that I never told a guy my true feelings. They are completely in the dark about it, think of me as a friend, and will always think of me as their friend, not that awkward girl that came onto me and won’t be talking to ever.

One of those guys was my friend *Hansen* who  looked exactly like Indie Rocker Beck Hansen; only take away ten pounds, make his hair a little blonder and give him black horn rimmed glasses and the bee stung kissable lips.  How a stick figure of a guy was given those lips Botox wives would envy is beyond me. He could be Beck's son. *Hansen* was one of the most interesting people I ever met,  one of the nicest people ever and even though he qualified for hipster status, he never accepted it.

 I met *Hansen* in college during those classes/clubs where your classmates immediately become friends. He was attached to a girl but had been friends since kid and she was super cool and nice. Because it was such a long time ago, I can barely remember what we did together. I get little snippets such as going to eat lunch with him and him eating what looked like a five pound burrito with all the trimmings. How his skinniness could consume that baffled me. I always think of him when I listen to Deerhunter, we would talk about music, our futures, or we would always bitch and moan about assignments and professors, and we went to Disneyland together, along with other friends.

The semester ended and we parted ways, I never told him that I thought he was cute and wanted to jump his skinny bones, but I did get several pictures of us making faces at the various parties and hotel sleepovers we would attend. Later on, I bumped into him, he had tossed his glasses for contacts and somehow, he didn’t look the same anymore. He looked ordinary. He looked way more hotter with the Buddy Holly glasses.

We’re still friends (the facebook way) and he moved away to the Midwest to study.  I may see him one day, I might not and yet I don't regret ever not telling him I liked him. I think of it as a little secret of mine. Did I ever think that he was onto me? That's a pretty tough call to make, there are moments when I think he did like me, like when he was emotinally invested to know why I think I had done a crummy job in class despite my high grades and there are other times where I saw him more friend than crush but I am glad to have met him and will always associate buddy holly with *Hansen*.

* Names changed to hide the cute and handsome.